E*G*G's SCINTILLATING QUOTATIONS [今古名言~第三頁]

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-->Page 1: Sex, Love, and Marriage (in descending order ;)

->Page 2: Wise Sayings & Motivational Quotes that reinforce good deeds, optimism, and positive thinking.

->Page 3: All others, e.g., funny quotes & cynical observations that are not related to sex, love, & marriage.

Most women are not so young as they are painted. ~ Brendan Behan

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down. ~ Flip Wilson

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead. ~ Woody Allen

Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry. ~ Mike

Kalin

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. ~ Milton Berle

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants." ~ Eddie Izzard

Thank God, I am still an atheist. ~ Carol Burnett

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. ~ Oscar Wilde

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. ~ Groucho Marx

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked

for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any

religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. ~ Jay Leno

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a

an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife. ~ James H. Kabbler III

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the

heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you

that pisses me off. ~ Stephen King

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me. ~

Woody Allen

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in

it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted. ~ Brendan Behan

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

~ Anonymous

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies. ~ Adrienne Gusoff

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. ~ Jeff Marder

Julie Andrews has lilacs instead of pubic hairs. ~ Christopher Plummer

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city. ~ George Burns

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. ~ Alfred Hitchcock

Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.

~ Billie Holiday

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. ~ Peter O'Toole

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. ~ Woody Allen

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. ~ Quentin Crisp

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to

take more than one night. ~ Charlie Brown

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. ~ Groucho

Marx

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. ~ W. C. Fields

I'm not the public. ~ Lauren Bacall, on being told that a store was not open to the public

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. ~ Oscar Wilde

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "check enclosed.'' ~ Dorothy Paker

A man without vices is like a ship without cargo. ~ Mark Twain

If you don't show up at a party, people will assume you're fat. ~ Stephanie Vanderkellen

Content makes poor men rich; discontentment makes rich men poor. ~ Benjamin Franklin

To be a saint does not exclude fine dresses nor a beautiful house. ~ Katherine Tynan Hinkson

Classic --- a book which people praise and don't read. ~ Mark Twain

By whom? ~ Dorothy Parker, when told she was outspoken.

Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. ~ Ambrose Bierce

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. ~ Elayne Boosler

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. ~ H. L. Mencken

My favorite animal is steak. ~ Fran Lebowitz

He would make a lovely corpse. ~ Charles Dickens

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : "I'm cheap!" ~ Delta Burke

Personally I know nothing about sex because I've always been married. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

I used to be Snow White... but I drifted. ~ Mae West

To err is human -- but it feels divine. ~ Mae West

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The natural superiority of women is a biological fact, and a socially acknowledged reality. ~ Ashely Montagu

I'm not a breast man, I'm a breast person. ~ Jo

And God said: Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people

don't blame everything on Satan. ~ George Burns

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black

pimps. ~ Tiger Woods

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid Problem? ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. ~ Jack Nicholson

When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better. ~ Mae West

On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can all open our own jars. ~ Bruce

Willis, on the difference between men and women.

I can resist everything except temptation. ~ Oscar Wilde

The First Lady is an unpaid public servant elected by one person --- her husband. ~ Lady Bird Johnson

The difference between a man and a dog is that if you feed a dog, he will not bite you. ~ Mark Twain

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction... but the second meeting shows up new angles. ~

Henry David Thoreau

Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done. ~ Ernie Kovacs

Your past is who you are today. ~ Hailey Estrada

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth --- even if it costs him his job. ~ Samuel

Goldwyn

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. ~ Dave Edison

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. ~ George Burns

I like children --- fried. ~ W. C. Fields

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. ~ Oliver Herford

All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher. ~ Ambrose Bierce

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. ~ Al Capone

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me. ~ G.W. Hegel

To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit. ~ Enoch Powell

I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed. ~ Bruce Lee

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance --- waiting for the bathroom. ~ Bob Hope

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. ~ Edgar Wallace

The answer is: there is no answer. ~ Martha Kathryn Barham Cantrell

I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection's God's business. ~

Michael J. Fox

In the end, everything is a gag. ~ Charlie Chaplin

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier

than a sober one. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Brevity is the soul of lingerie. ~ Dorothy Parker